Today we will be discussing the wonderful world of Facebook. Social networking has come a long way since AOL Instant Messenger. Who doesn’t remember the ”Do you have a pic?” days. There’s no doubt that Facebook has revolutionized the way we communicate. You wake up, you check Facebook. At work, you’re on Facebook. At the dinner table, you’re on Facebook. At the movies, checking Facebook. In the shitter? you guessed it….Facebook. As much as we hate to admit it, we live and breath Facebook. We have a nonstop urge to feel connected to folks we haven’t seen since our pimpled face years? It’s like crack cocaine man, we gotta have it! Oh, and God forbid there’s an outage or our phone app isn’t working because withdrawal is a motha…
Ok, so we’ve pretty much established that we’ve all been brainwashed to check our Facebook in 5 minute increments, so lets get down to the nitty gritty. Everyone has what I like to call a “Facebook Label”. You know, like the girl who goes on endless rants about an ex boyfriend, then makes a below the belt comment like “he could be bigger”. Yup, everybody’s got one on their friends list. You’re probably shaking your head thinking “I’m just a normal Facebook user”. WRONG! You too have a label my friend, but let me break it down for you…..
Disclaimer: The following material may or may not offend you. If your sensitivity levels are that of a 4 year old girl, please feel free to click on any one of my less offensive posts.
(new labels are marked with an *)
*The Check-in addict: If ever placed on witness protection, you’ll find yourself face down-ass up in a nearby ditch because your dumbass checks in EVERYWHERE!
*The Blue Baller: I call it the blue baller because they leave you hanging. This is the kind of person that’ll post something like “OMG!” or “OMG I can’t believe that just happened” in hopes that you’ll respond with something like: OMG what happened!?! LOL, somebody didn’t get much attention as a kid!
*The Self Portrait Picture Taker: This person has 26 photo albums; 25 of them contain pictures of themselves doing the lip pucker, eyebrow lifting, camera phone above the head shot.
*The Hash Tag abuser: More commonly seen on Twitter; However, some folks insist on using this trend on Facebook. I’ll tell you what’s NOT cool; seeing them on EVERY friggen post. #ANNOYING.
*The Newlyweds: Hard to put into words, but THIS will best describe it. GET A ROOM YA HORNY BASTADS! (in New Yorker accent)
*Obsessive Workout Guy/Chick: This person checks into a gym a least 3 times a day; however, the results tend to be a bit delayed. “oh you mean my biceps? Nah man, those’ll come in later”
The Excessive Status Liker: You will hardly ever see a post from this person, but they will like the SHIT out of anything and everything you post; Inappropriate at times (the kind of person that will “Like” your post about your dog just dying).
The Angry Employee: Guilty! Venting is my therapy. If I don’t talk about the dumb shits I have to deal with everyday, I’d lose my sanity. Exposing their stupidity for everyone to see is what gets me through my day.
The TMIer: That stands for “Too much information” for you un-trendy folks. Dude, nobody wants to know the contents nor the color of your last bowel movement. really!
The Inside Jokester: C’mon folks. If you’re gonna post something that only you and another person are gonna get, wouldn’t it be better to just text the person? I’m nosey, I wanna laugh too!
The Shit Talker: This usually applies when talking sports. Ok, so I’m semi-guilty of this one too. I know I’m not the only Texas resident who cant stand the Dallas Cowboys. I’m very passionate when it comes to sports and I’m very likely to lose some friends in the process.
The Humiliator: This person usually goes on endless rants about an ex boyfriend/girlfriend, taking cheap shots along the way. Build a bridge people! Get over it or go buy yourself a toy.
The Debby Downer: Always knows exactly what to say…..to KILL the mood!
The LOLer: This person’s limited vocabulary includes the following: LOL, LMAO, LMFAO, ROFLMAO.
The Chain Letter Sender: Look, I don’t go to church every Sunday. I don’t need the guilt trips or the reminder that I am a bad Christian. If you want to post something on my wall, post a video of some poor kid getting whacked in the face by a basketball. I’d rather laugh than feel shitty for not “loving” Jesus because I didn’t send to 85 people!
The Poll poster: This person can’t make any decisions for themselves so they will have their Facebook friends choose for them. What movie should I watch? What should I eat? Which blouse should I wear? ………..I hear flipping a coin works like a charm!
The Mirror Picture Taker: You have GREEEEEAAAT self esteem!
The Ghetto poster: Fk dis n Fk dat. I have to admit, this one is a wee bit irritating for me. Is it really that much harder to type “THIS” instead of “DIS”? C’mon, try it with me…THHHIIIISSS. There you go! Now you’re speaking proper English and you don’t sound like a FUCKTARD! Pardon my french.
The Closet Alcoholic: This person has a bit of a drinking problem, but they don’t know it. When you’re posting pics of Martinis on Sat, Tall boys on Sun, Cosmos on Tues, and Margaritas on Wed, maybe its time you take up a new hobby or hit up an AA meeting.
The WTF poster: Nobody….and I mean NO-BO-DY understands your gibberish. Either you totally snoozed out on grades 1-4 or you need to read the Facebook Help section. You can’t post the conversation you’re having w/ your imaginary friend because most of us will reply with a WTF!?!
The Novelist: Ok let me explain something to you. I don’t know about you but most of the people on my friends list grew up in the 80′s and 90′s. We didn’t get diagnosed with ADD or ADHD or whatever the hell kids nowadays have, but I’m pretty sure a lot of us had one or the other. If your post exceeds one paragraph, YOU’VE LOST ME! Now, what was I saying?
So there you go. Which one are you?
